i didn't go to sleep last night, one day smoothed into another without any unconsciousness between. driving back from carlsbad, 9 hours of knotting, reading, listening to blur (aaron copied me thinktank(o:), piano sonatas, and what i think is sardinian sacredy, folky male choir throat singing, though it's hard to tell exactly because they misprinted the cd booklet so that it just repeats twice in spanish, chinese, and french. also eating junkfood ick. and missing people. at one point i wanted the drive to transform into crosscountry tika roadtrip.
i had to get up at 4 am anyways so why go to sleep at all? was the rationale, as internet wore (is that the right verb? the expression doesn't really make sense...) into packing and listening to rosscds, wore into looking at old pictures, a whole backpack full of the last three years. the grandcanyon trip, looking at nicki closeup with her headphones on, her hair falling across her face. and remembering the image of that place that even standing before it is more in your imagination than it is in your eyes, so different from pictures of family and friends that you can always locate yourself within, meaning you nearly always view your family and friends with your own eyes. but with other images it does not seem so clear that I am the point of view of my eyes. when i look out the airplane window and see this civilization, the tiny cars moving on the roads, the layout of housing tracks, parks, baseball and football fields, tennis courts, little and big parking lots, superstores, factories, hospitals, energy plants, rivers with motorboats and buoys, rows and circles of crops, freeways and city streets, gradually fading into existence out of the almost empty tan and sand-colored mountains, sometimes i'm not sure i feel anything particular for that world down there, not that it's mine and i belong to it, certainly not the surge of patriotic love that my bro so aptly expressed by wishing for car horns (or airplane horns?) that would chant 'usa' with each honk. i don't know. sleeplessness could bring on this sort of distance. earlier i was lying on my sleepingbag on this mattress trying to fall asleep and i felt cool and alone. and behind this, anxious about my detachment. i don't enjoy this feeling. exhaustion and uprootedness. i better try some of that sleep we all do.
posted by Liza 24.8.03