i have a sleepy bones, runny nose, sneezing, headcloud cold to conclude a difficultweekend made more so by this cold coming on. wanting to rewind. distrusting the words and thoughts i'm thinking, their swirl of coherence and non-coherence fearing they may be thoroughly warped by my own point of view, wanting to acknowledge that point of view without being stuck inside of it (i got dressed to go to dance advance this afternoon then weak and woozy and layed down in my scarf and sweater with my boots hanging off the edge. on the edge of sleep i dreamt about horse bodies, their skeletal structures, morphing into the designs of cars, maybe even used as the skeletal structure for muscle/metal, and then "horse power" and rpm crossed my mind... ) other subjects, particularly the delicate balance of a relationship threatening to unravel in miscommunication and hurt and not sure how things can feel better. i kind of just want to pretend that there's no loss, not give attention to that sad lump, and see if it just smooths into the passing days. trying to keep talking seems better although harder. at least there's not the regret and eeriness of realizing you've hardly known or considered the other person's view at all, or that much of their moment to moment existence passes by your sense and vision unnoticed, which is okay some of the time but what about those times when both people open their feelings, eyes, ears and pay attention to each other and are together regardless of the always uncertain future. is that supposed to be a rare experience in life? i hear a fly in the halogen. the leaves are bobbling vigorously swinging in the gray wind. the sunflower head is closed and hanging over, bent and stiffened neck.
as soon as this cold goes away i'll have lots of work to keep my mind and heart steadily occupied--teaching chillens, and dance advance crunch as all the applications come in. i want to go see gillian welch tonight but not sure my body will be up to it. cynthia's trying to churn the almond butter and feeling sad and overwhelmed(o: hope you all are well though
posted by Liza 17.11.03